30 Days

So new day, new blog... not expecting others to read it, but it is designed as a reminder for me, and the goals I hope to accomplish.
So I am strating a journey of 30 days without facebook (to start at least)... no social media for 30 days. I will challenge myself daily to find something new-do something I have put off-prepare myself for things coming up.

I started to wonder about all the things I could get done without the distraction of social media. What things have I put off because I was "facebook stalking" or "updating my status"

Many friends make comments such as "yeah right this week maybe" or "oh please you will have 8 status updated by tomorrow afternoon" but all their noise just makes my focus and motivation that much stronger.

I deactivated my fb 9/8/11 but because I have looked at some pictures that have been posted of me in the past couple of days on the Husband's fb... I guess I will count today as day 1... which is fine because I imagine by the end of the 30 days I may not even reactivate it at all.

I am going to do something different... write more, take more pictures, work out more, focus more on positive (eventhough days like today cause me to want to rip out my eyeballs and give them to someone else) I need to find where my time should be more focused rather than wasted. So here I go...

M

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Reflection

So It is now May. May is a good month, no scratch that... a GREAT month! This month is Cinco De Mayo, Our Anniversary, and the fact that summer is almost here...
(prepare yourself for a lot of pictures!)

But I need to take time to update on the past 4 months of the year...

January, There was New Years... which I was sick (which seems to be a reaccuring theme this year) with great friends the Prebish Family... No pictures, but great memories with great friends!

Then came February... Valentines Day (which if you know me is not one of my favorite days - simply because of the fact that I hate a commercialized day for you to shower the one you love when you should have been doing it all year round) It was a month of starting something again. Paul and I started helping with ONE Student Ministry at Community of Faith.






My Cousin Jeff and his wife Michelle's wedding... and that was an experience, to say the least... It was a night of fun for sure a lot of memories! What a night! And it was at taht time that my mother shared some information with me that set me back a little bit and was part of the reason for a previous post... not naming which one though... She and my dad bought some land in "paradise" aka Iowa, LA. It did not suprise me, but her reasoning did. Im not going to go back to what she said, but I know I have grown from it... Lets just say it was a rough month...

Now March... Our "besties" Jon and Courtney Prebish were married... and that was another night of extreme fun!



Paul likes Food



Its not a party without the Cupid Shuffle



The Happy Couple!!!! aka "besties"



April... My cousin Brad and his wife Tammie's wedding!







yea and it is my birthday month... I fight it every year but I have to say that this year was by far the best! Below are some of the friends that made it out... by no means is this all of them!











Then a week later was my besties birthday!!! Desiree Campos! I not only get to work with her everyday but she is one of the closest people in my life. I <3 her!



And I went to my first Dynamo game! I will say it has been a great year so far!!!

It matters to me!

What does friendship mean to you?

I have clung to my friendships for a long time, however in the past 40 days I have realized that I have become lazy with my friendships. I mean what did I do to keep in touch before facebook or myspace or twitter??? Sure those things can make it esay to share memories with those who maybe dont live so close, but I want to be a better friend than that. These media outlets take so much away from having personable relationships. Think about it... you post pictures or Christmas where everyone is laughing at a table, and someone asks what was so funny... what happened to sharing those pictures and memories face to face with your friends and telling the stories behind the pictures.

Take a status update... Maybe your having a tough day, and want to tell someone. I want to be the type of person that my friends can tell me these things, not post on some social media outlet so that I can catch a glimpse of what is going on in their life. I want to be the type of person that I can be relied on to be there, and to offer encouragement one on one.

Now some read this and think that I am bashing the social media web, this is not true. Am I going to keep my facebook? yes. Will I update photos? yes. Simply because I have many family members that I do not live close enough to share everything that is going on all the time. But I want to be the person who has photo albums and can go and share my stories with family and friends. I want to visit my friends out of town by traveling to see them. I want to make sure that they know that I care. I want to know about their stories and travels and jokes... but on a more personal level. Life is not lived on the internet, it is out doing life! It is experienceing things and making memories.

I have been reflecting over the best memories I have, and I smile because they were not made sitting at a desk behind a computer screen or through an app on my phone...

They were made by swinging from a rope bolted to a tree accross the creek and having the adrenaline make my heart race so fast that I could feel it in my ears when I was 10.
Sitting on the back of my best friend's four-wheeler while singing country soungs riding the trails, while her nana made us fresh fried okra when I was 14.
Going to that same best friends house everyday aftershool, stopping by sonic for tater tots and a coke before watching Cruel Intentions for the 100th time when I was 15.
Driving my dad home from work in his jeep because he was too tired to finish the trip home, and he was so proud that I did not kill us both when I was 16.
Taking the floor for State Competition and pouring everything I had onto that tarp when I was 17.
Walking across the stage and accepting my diploma, while missing my grandmother but proud that my grandfather still was there to wath me when I was 18.
Moving into my first apartment, and buying my first truck with my own hard earned money, then learning that I was moving to the ghetto by myself at the age of 20.
Meeting Paul at Bennigan's and having the courage to take a leap of faith and introduce myself eventhough at the time I was engaged to someone else (long story) at the age of 21.
Living with my parents and Paul slept in the closet when I was 22.
Saying "I Do" when I was 23.
Signing contracts for building our first house when I was 24.
Turning 25
Discovering God's Grace and a part of my purpose at 26.
Going to Austin for the first time at 27.
And now I am 28... What will this year have in store for me... WE SHALL SEE!!!

Change the World

I was working today when this song came on my computer. It has been playing here and there the past couple of weeks, because I normally only listen to country when it is Rodeo season here in Houston, but this time I was entranced in it. It brought me back to when I was 5 and first accepted Christ.

My daddy always told me that I thought I could change the world... I never quite understood what he meant but I went along with it because I was daddy's little girl and he was my hero. He told me that I would be friends with a paper bag if I could. I pride myself on being a good friend. Even to those who others might think that might be undeserving. I thought I could change the world with my friendship... Showing true love for my friends one at a time. Being the type of friend that was there no matter what. Listened when I needed to listen. Offer a shoulder when it was needed. I am an encourager by design. That is the way God made me, and I am comfortable in that position. And in my mind that is how I was going to change the world. One friendship at a time.

The verse came to mind that speaks about love... and the person I should strive to be in every relationship that I have. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

We all should strive to live like this. And yes you hear many say this verse over and over, but how often do we live this... without false intentions? We are not foolish to think we can change the world, if we actually believe and put into action everything that we have heard growing up.

The unbelieving world may only see Jesus through you. We are not going to be perfect, no... but we should strive for that perfection anyway right? I know I am not perfect, I am so far from it - I intentionally make mistakes every day because of my selfish heart... but I also have enough smarts to know that I desperatley need God's grave and mercy, and to repent and move forward... if I am not condemned I can not condemn others...

So we are not fools to think we can change the world... it starts with us... one friendship at a time

Finding Joy

With all of the changes that have happened this year, I have had a hard time finding the joy in my life. I am sure that most of the people that follow me are thinking that I have a lot to be joyful for and you are right I do! But no matter how blessed you are at times, we all can take it all for granted.

I fought God so hard on the decsion to change for a while. I did not want the change. But regardless of what I want he made the decision quite clear... The followinng are some of the things that God has taught me either while at church or thru my personal quiet time with him and him alone.

It is time for a fresh new start! Time to start living the way God intended for me to live. Why am I not living large for God? Why am I choosing to be so shallow in my relationship with him? I have had a lack of focus, lack of obedience, lack of humility, lack of hard work... how humble for God to reveal this to me right out of the gate...but still I fight spiritually. Still I fight emotionally.

Then Im told it would be a good idea to journal... and I do at times, but not all the time. Only when I feel things are going good. But really I should do it when things are upside down in my world. When I feel that there is no one to lean on. Realize that I did not make any major decisions during depression. I made the decisions according to God's word!

You only hurt yourself with being angry. You cant be better and grow in Christ at the same time. God loves my future, and he is going to reveal it to me each day as it comes.

I thrive myself on being a good friend... I have been a door-mat for my friends for the simple fact that if I am the only person someone turns to then I am honored to be that person. I dont care if it is the middle of the night and a friend needs a ride or if it is to bring meals because one of them has just given birth... I strive to be there, no matter if that is not returned. But there are certain things I need to recognize about my friends... 1.) are they loyal? Proverbs 18:24 - One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there isa friend who sticks closer than a brother. Am I a loyal friend? 2.) A friend covers an offence. - no one is perfect and you have to learn to let go. Proverbs 17:9 - Whoever would foster love covers an offence, but whoever repeats the matter seperates close friends. 3.) A friend keeps secrets - if this is not for you to share, DONT! We christainize Gosspi by saying well they did this bless their soul... Be a true friend and walk away from gossip. 4.) A friend answers honestly, sometimes to rebuke is better. 5.) A friend shapes us. "I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me?" 6.) A friend is born for trouble. "a friend walks in when everyone walks out." Friends stand together even at a great cost. 7.) A friend brings healing. James 5:16 - Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

I am taking more time to reflect... I need to enjoy the journey and take pride when God is getting me through the little things! God bless!

Words Cut

Why cant I get over it. I should be used to it by now... I know who I am, and after all these years changing that is no longer an option, or that it ever was Im just not sure.

Words normally have no effect on me. I am used to building walls around my heart to make sure that I cant get hurt. In the past I have become numb to the pain. I dont know sometimes I let my walls fall and the words sting, which I guess is good because it proves I am alive...

So I put the walls back up. Its not fair to those who do care about me, and love me... and want the best for me. They dont get all I have to offer... I am not sure anyone does... I am not sure the walls will ever come completley down.

This year has been about change. A lot of good change has happened... and again I had let my guard down a little... and I am again sorry I did. I get burned every time. So I close myself off.

I am a dissapointment to some, and I can handle that when I am numb... its getting back to the numbness that is killer... I am not perfect and will never claim to be. I dont want to be. I am deeply flawed, and that is ok... I am one hell of a mess...
but I try to be better... I try to be the person I am looked at to be...

I have heard over and over again "dont change who you are." but I wish I could! So my love could get the best of me and not the 3/4 heart of love but 1/4 stone as to not be hurt ever. I will always be guarded with everyone... I have to be.

Dont cry, dont show emotion, dont show effection... those things get you nowhere... cold as ice, as stone, unbreakable, unweak... so I turn my heart back to it walls... Board up doors lock away the keys build a moat... sounds silly but what else can I do... I know I know "Give it to God, Megan" well to be honest its not always that easy.

I wish at times I could fade away... just dissapear (no I would never harm myself so for those of you who worry STOP) just fade away like old memories... only I wish my memories would fade. I wake up looking in the mirror and see dissapointment. I see almost 28 years of cold bitterness... I have heard Megan you have a huge heart. But I just dont believe that about myself anymore. Because if I had as huge of heart as people said I did, it woudl not be so hard to trust. And I dont trust, I cant. I wish I could... but again this whole wall thing prevents me from trusting... and I just cant let these walls down.

Im ok with dealing with things on my own. I am used to it by now... I am told I havea strong personality and that I dont hold my toung well, and I am blunt... its the only way I know how to be. I hate thinking! I hate that genetically enhanced part of me that wont turn off... For the most part I am not a girl who over thinks... but sometimes because GOd has a sense of humor... I cant turn my brain off!

Why do words hurt so much? They cut so deep! Especially when they are meant to cause pain... when they are spewed at you for just that... to hurt you. When someone you want to care about you takes what they think your worst quality is (which you agree on) and throw it at you... and you were not prepared and did not see it coming. Blame, resentment, anguish, dispair, dissapointment, grief... all your fault according to these people.

Just let it go is the answer... build the wall... secure my heart... be stone...
I cant help it, its who I am raised to be... Dont get me wrong I will be great at being there for everyone else... but dont expect much open-ness in return... Im burnt out.

Personal Therapy

Feeling down, but reassured by Truth

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