Whats New

So it has been a while since my last post I must admit, but I guess it is time to update! Its been an interesting couple of past few weeks that is for sure! For those who may not know Paul's mom has been living with us since August 2009 and we are blessed to have her be a part of the family again.

She started her first day of work today, and I am praying for her, because I know it must be stressful for her to go back to work when it has been so long that she has actually worked. I am sure that she will do a great job because I know the hard worker that is inbedded in her blood! She has ambition and has made great strides in the right direction since she has been with us!

Paul and I are closer than we have been I think ever. We are getting more and more in-tune every day. He is enjoying his job, and it seems like they really value him! I am so proud of him and love that he works so hard for our family. As many of you know I am not a person who submits to anything or anyone. Well God has softened my heart to a lot of things and a lot of things I let go. The things that I used to get so worked up about are not worth it.

A major thing that has made me realize that I am letting him take the reigns on is our fertility issues. In the middle of our NO TV fast, which made us even closer and made us realize how much we value the time that is not spent watching mindless garbage, I had a breakdown. It was a slow progressing breakdown and started with one weekend Paul's brother calling to let us know that we were going to have a new niece or nephew on the way. Everything in my heart wanted to be happy and congratulate them. So I said a silent prayer to my Abba, and out the words came. I was confident I would be ok. I was confident that it was a great blessing. Then about 3 days later my friend calls and leaves a message on my phone to call her that she had some news (most females are gifted in guessing what was going to come of that conversation). I called her and she told me that she too was expecting. Again I said a silent prayer for strength and congratulated her... (my heart was starting to feel sour) and when she asked if she could come and see us this week... I prayed again, and focused on the fact that she was my friend and no matter how much I wanted to crawl back into my turtle shell... she needs my support and now is not the time to focus on myself. Then the day after her visit I went to work, and a co-worker that is in the same department came to me and told me that she was expecting as well. And that she did not want me to be mad at her. (She knew that I had been trying and waiting for "my turn"). Again a silent prayer and I had the srength to tell her not to be silly and that I was happy for her. It was for a moment that everything was ok. When no one was looking my heart broke into a million pieces. In my own way (stupidly) I felt as though I was being tortured. As if I was broken and useless. I went home crying, and as much as I wanted to just be held and get it all out, poor Paul does not know how to handle it. At the moment I was hurt, and he said something that I did not agree with and I clammed up... shut tight, said ok... He wants me to move on from this... it is evident. Swallowed hard and cooked dinner. I tried the next day to explain the physical ache that I feel not having my womb being used. He told me that he did not think that he would ever understand because it is different for a male. I guess I can understand that to a point. He said that he prays for God's will constantly and his timing will be perfect. I have never heard Paul speak such truth! He is growing so much and for a second the pain was numb.

The next few weeks passed slow, nothing was the same for me. I told Paul in a moment of want that I was ready to start fertillity treatment and that I would go to the Dr. just as soon as he told me to. He told me that he was confident that God would give us a child with or without medicine. THAT WAS SO HARD TO HEAR WHEN MY HEART JUST WANTED TO TAKE THE MEDICINE ALREADY!

But I prayed about it and told God that I was placing Him in charge of the course our lives would be taking and what the next step would be. And because he and God had an obvious connection that my heart was not allowing me to have because of my wanting heart, I placed Paul in his rightful position of leader of our household.

Its a learning process for me I am not going to lie. I am used to being in charge, because it just seemed to be what I was used to. But I have enjoyed letting him take the reigns.