Why cant I get over it. I should be used to it by now... I know who I am, and after all these years changing that is no longer an option, or that it ever was Im just not sure.
Words normally have no effect on me. I am used to building walls around my heart to make sure that I cant get hurt. In the past I have become numb to the pain. I dont know sometimes I let my walls fall and the words sting, which I guess is good because it proves I am alive...
So I put the walls back up. Its not fair to those who do care about me, and love me... and want the best for me. They dont get all I have to offer... I am not sure anyone does... I am not sure the walls will ever come completley down.
This year has been about change. A lot of good change has happened... and again I had let my guard down a little... and I am again sorry I did. I get burned every time. So I close myself off.
I am a dissapointment to some, and I can handle that when I am numb... its getting back to the numbness that is killer... I am not perfect and will never claim to be. I dont want to be. I am deeply flawed, and that is ok... I am one hell of a mess...
but I try to be better... I try to be the person I am looked at to be...
I have heard over and over again "dont change who you are." but I wish I could! So my love could get the best of me and not the 3/4 heart of love but 1/4 stone as to not be hurt ever. I will always be guarded with everyone... I have to be.
Dont cry, dont show emotion, dont show effection... those things get you nowhere... cold as ice, as stone, unbreakable, unweak... so I turn my heart back to it walls... Board up doors lock away the keys build a moat... sounds silly but what else can I do... I know I know "Give it to God, Megan" well to be honest its not always that easy.
I wish at times I could fade away... just dissapear (no I would never harm myself so for those of you who worry STOP) just fade away like old memories... only I wish my memories would fade. I wake up looking in the mirror and see dissapointment. I see almost 28 years of cold bitterness... I have heard Megan you have a huge heart. But I just dont believe that about myself anymore. Because if I had as huge of heart as people said I did, it woudl not be so hard to trust. And I dont trust, I cant. I wish I could... but again this whole wall thing prevents me from trusting... and I just cant let these walls down.
Im ok with dealing with things on my own. I am used to it by now... I am told I havea strong personality and that I dont hold my toung well, and I am blunt... its the only way I know how to be. I hate thinking! I hate that genetically enhanced part of me that wont turn off... For the most part I am not a girl who over thinks... but sometimes because GOd has a sense of humor... I cant turn my brain off!
Why do words hurt so much? They cut so deep! Especially when they are meant to cause pain... when they are spewed at you for just that... to hurt you. When someone you want to care about you takes what they think your worst quality is (which you agree on) and throw it at you... and you were not prepared and did not see it coming. Blame, resentment, anguish, dispair, dissapointment, grief... all your fault according to these people.
Just let it go is the answer... build the wall... secure my heart... be stone...
I cant help it, its who I am raised to be... Dont get me wrong I will be great at being there for everyone else... but dont expect much open-ness in return... Im burnt out.
5th Grade Field Day
6 years ago
I can definitely relate to all you've said. The very thing that some people claim to like about us (the bluntness, etc.) is the very thing that some people hate about us.
ReplyDeleteI once heard it put like this: when you're in the spirit, it's good. But, when you're in the flesh, it's not good. That came from a Spiritual Gift seminar at church. Everyone has a gift and those of us who have the gift of prophesy tend to speak our minds. That's great, if it's done in the right spirit (in love, gentleness, kindness), but when it's done in the flesh (basically without the love) then it's a different story.
Also, sometimes you just have to take what's said and pray and ask God to remove the lies and show you what the truth is. It's not easy to accept the truths that need to be changed, but that's the only way to grow.
On the flipside of that - sometimes we have to remove certain negative people from our lives. Now, I'm not speaking about your husband. I'm talking about friends or sometimes even family. I have experienced God removing me from certain circles because they brought me down and affected my relationship with him and others. So if these are negative people - then move on and make the choice to surround yourself with friends who care and will lovingly guide you toward a more fulfilling life.
Have a blessed day:)