Clinging to HIs grace...

So the past couple of days have been exciting yet ended, well in my mind, less than perfect. Tuesday I wrote a letter to my 1st unborn. It might seem silly to some, but becuase I want children with every fiber of my being, I thought it might be a good idea. This would be a way of letting my children know one day just how much we longed and wanted them. that there would never be a douby in their mind that they were loved and not an accident.

Wednedsay I woke up and I almost knew something was wrong, but I tried to play it off and focus on mind over matter. Afterall, I think I read sometime that 95% of our feelings is our mind on overload... (not that I believe that but whatever) Before I left for work I felt almost like I pulled my groin getting into my car. Then a little later at work I started cramping bad, worse than I ever had before. My whole torso hurt. So, I tried to take some tylenol and go about my day. But after lunch, I was hurting so bad that I was sweating bullets at work and was sick to my stomach. So I went home. I went to the bathroom and noticed that I was spotting.

I quickly read about spotting and how it was not for sure a bad thing, but to rest. So I rested for a couple of hours and monitored my spotting. It was coming and going. So I went to youth and took it easy. I came home and went right to bed hoping that everything would turn out ok...

Then this morning came... and so did my period. 37 days was my cycle this past month... I am not sure why other than GOd has a plan. Do I love his plan at the moment, honestly no. But it is God's plan for my life, not my own. I decided a long time ago that my life is HIS to do with as HE pleases. Whatever that plan may be. Right in this second and time it is not his will for Paul and I to be parents. Next month that might change, but for right now this is his will, and I must be content with this stage. He is my creator, he knows my future!

So there will be no tears, I am a big girl as my dad has always told me, and I can hold my head up high and be happy that God is going use me where I am... and if at first you don't succeed... enjoy your marriage and be happy where God has you!

Then today Paul told me of a story about a little 8 year old boy that, lets just say was 45 lbs, and malnouished, sleeping in a truck, and staying in a trailer with no AC and no working bathroom, because that is where he has to go when he needs to be (in his words isolated)! The nerve of some parents! There are so many details to this story that are horrific. Well where Paul's sister lives CPS is so backed up, the police let Melanie take him home for the evening because of the conditions. And the mom, when questioned, confimed the whole story and did not deny a thing!

Some parents do not understand the gift that they are given. Which for me, who wants to have children so bad and is having trouble, cannot undertand or fathom the possibility of having a child living in those conditions... Bless Paul's sister and her family for helping this boy. Social Services came out today and are probably going to bring the siblings to their house as well... AMAZING!!! Just breaks my heart. And makes me so thankful that I am going to be the mom that God made me to be one day, whether my own, or adopting. That is still up to God's will.

I am being strong, because it is what is needed for me to go on... and not suffer, becuase I am resting on God's promises. He promises me love, and good will... so I clinging that.

until next time...