Isaiah 40:31 "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"
Currently on Mile 21.4 miles out of my 28.4 mile goal for Septmenmber (was increased after I met my first goal of 12 miles in one week)
Many have asked lately: "Why do you run?" Well what started out as a way to completley forget about all the stress and junk going on in my head. Then it became about getting healthier, and now it has changed again. It is because I have depression, I'm impatient, I am filled with a longing and I am trying my best to let God take this from me. This is an honest truth for me and its hard to come to terms with, but because I feel that the people who view this are my friends and want the best for me I can be honest and let my feelings show. I am still guarded about many things so please do not expect to read a "dear diary" moment... just trying to get through a lot of it. If that makes sense.
So what started out as a run to run away from my issues, it became a run towards God's feet to allow him to comfort me and allow me to grow through these issues. First in me dealing with depression: This is something that ONLY GOD can save me from. For me, not everyone, there is no medication that can fix my brain into non-depression mode... medication only makes me dummed down and completley numb. And that is not me at all... what works for some does not work for others. And for those who are able to take medication and it works for you, part of me envies you because you have something to fix the problem. But I know for a fact that God has decided that medication will not work for me for one reason alone: depending on medication for me to mask the deep issues in my heart is not what I need... I need God to take control and fix my heart. So I stand on TRUTH, and TRUTH alone... Duet. 31:8 "the LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be affraid; do not be discouraged". Often times I take and say God, really? But I am affraid and I feel alone... but again he reveals himself in scripture Psalm 34:18 "the LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." So I run... and Addison Road "Run" comes on... "Run, just as fast as you can, Run till you reach the end. Where the fallen, finally land and your world starts over again... RUN" Everyday is a new day to start over and change how I view this life.
Then to deal with my impatientce. I want things in this life... I want to know if/when God will grant me the desires of my heart... SO many people tell me IN GOD'S TIMING your desire will be granted... but really, to be honest, what if God decides it is not his will for us... then God reminds me Psalm 27:13-14 "I am still confident of this: I WILL see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."
And to deal with my longing heart. The above as well as this go hand and hand. I want things in this world. I want things for my marriage, which is wonderful and a huge blessing, I want things for my family... I am in a stage of want... and the Lord revealed to me in his word: Psalm 84:11 "For the LORD your GOD is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withold from those whos walk is blameless". I am not blameless, however God gives me mercy and shows favor to me by the things that I do have... I have much to be greatful for.
So I RUN... "Run now dont you look back Run, RUN towards the LIGHT straight ahead, where the lost souls make a beautiful sound, and new life is finally found, RUN"
1 Cor. 9:24 "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets a prize? Run in such a way as to get a PRIZE"
Just RUN
You have no idea how much this post was an encouragement to me. I also in the last couple years have been dealing with depression, and try my hardest to mask it and not allow people to see it. Thank you for sharing your heart. I needed to read this. And I'm sure I will read it a couple times. I love how you said you are running towards God. This was awesome. And I thank you. And you are not alone my friend. Maybe if we shared more, we would find out that there are others dealing with same issues like depression, and we could help each other. I think you have motivated me to run.
ReplyDeleteI hear you sweet friend, its hard to be transparent. Only recently have I been able to even tell my sweet best friend and husband the hurt my heart has held. But I know there is hope, and my running towards and with God has helped, A LOT! I will encourage you to run, and keep encouraging you for endurance!
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